Friday, February 11, 2011

Sucktastic Memos

Dear Yesterday,

I'm sure you'll try to convince me that since the zombie-duck apocalypse didn't happen and Were-platypus (or is it platypi?) have yet to take over the world, you really weren't all that bad. But considering the fact that you included the words "cat fight," "Veterinarian," and "large, pus-filled abscess," I think I have sufficient evidence to say: YOU SUCK.

Frustratedly Yours,
A very dissatisfied Shannon

Dear Mangy Gray Cat,

I consider myself a friend to all things feline. In fact, the ridiculous amount of time I spend cleaning cat hair off everything I own gives me adequate proof of my generous, kitty-loving ways. But mark my words: if you set so much as a toe--nay, a WHISKER--within a 50-foot radius of my home, I'm getting the hose. And I have one of those nozzles that makes the water shoot out like a plasma blaster.

Ominously yours,
The crazy blonde lady you should be very, very afraid of

Dear Veterinarian,

Honestly, I know how lucky I am to have you. You give me wonderful discounts because my cats were strays, and you made room in your very busy schedule to squeeze in an emergency patient. That being said, I really, REALLY don't think you have any idea how cruel it is to tell a girl who gets light headed just THINKING about gore that she must: apply warm compresses twice a day and extract all the pus. Especially when you follow it with: be careful, it might squirt.

Squeamishly yours,
The customer who nearly passed out in your examination room

Dear Patrick,

I'm very, very sorry I couldn't run downstairs fast enough to protect you. I'm also very, very sorry for your shaved bottom. I'd like to tell you that it doesn't look as humiliating as you might be thinking. But it really, really does. Maybe keep a low profile in the neighborhood until it grows back. Or walk backwards.

Unhelpfully yours,
The lady who feeds you, so you're not allowed to hate her

Dear Followers,

If you can't tell by my previous memos, yesterday was kind of an ordeal and I didn't have the time or energy to tackle your questions. (or to respond to yesterday's blog comments) I promise I will make up for lost time next week. Once I'm no longer up to my elbows in cat pus.

Regretfully yours,
The blogger who just used the word "pus" way too many times, and hopes her followers will forgive her for it


  1. Oh, the vet one is so gross! That's when you ask yourself - why did I want cats again?

  2. Great post. Sorry about your day. It's harder when the craziness involves someone or a pet that you love.

  3. Sorry for your bad day. Hope this one is better!

  4. Dear Shannon,

    This is probably where I'm supposed to say something like 'oh poor you and I hope today is better and bad days suck, especially when they don't involve were-platipuses, or whatevs, when they TOTALLY SHOULD' but instead I'm laughing. Yeah, that's right. LAUGHING. But seriously, you're funny. Even when you're extracting pus (which, by the way, EWWWWWWW!)

    Admiringly yours,

    The blog reader who snorted her coffee when she got to the part: be careful, it might squirt.

    NOTE: This blog reader is also the one who can no longer finish her coffee after reading this post. EW.

  5. Aww, poor kitty. I feel your pain--I worked at a cat-specific vet clinic during college and have dealt with my fair share of abscesses. Hope you both improve quickly. :)

  6. Sorry to hear yesterday was a pus-filled disaster, but at least you still have a sense of humor about it. If only you owned your own company. You could do what my former boss did and make one of your employees (thankfully, not me) go to your home once a day for medication administration and pus extraction. If you're feeling nice, you could give him or her $5 for doing it.

    Hug your kitty and wash your hands before you eat. :)

  7. Ew, gross. Nasty to the core. I feel for you Shannon, and I'm sorry for your situation...but please don't take pictures! Hang in there :)

  8. Ewh. Ewh. Ewh. What a terrible day! I hope the weekend gets better!


  9. Yikes! Poor you and poor Patrick. I can't even imagine having to do that. Good luck to you!

    Hoping today is much better for you!

    I'm so glad I finished my breakfast before reading this. ;)

  10. Oh man, I have soooo been there. A couple of months ago I was pet sitting, and I had to go to the vet FOUR TIMES in less than two weeks for various pus-related disasters. When the owners came home, their cats were all shaved in funny places with those cone collars and draining apparatuses and foot soaks and antibiotics. I swear they thought I was abusing those kitties in their absence, and I couldn't even blame them. GOOD LUCK!

  11. Aw, sounds like a really rough day! Here's hoping your weekend is much better! :)

  12. I'm sorry you had a pus-y day yesterday, but in a way I'm glad 'cause you made me laugh hysterically today. So, thank you, and good luck with the whole cat pus thing.

  13. I know what happened to poor Patrick wasn't funny--but thanks for giving it such a comic spin. Way to write!

  14. Goodness. I can't really imagine what the heck actually happened but good luck with that shaved bottom cat!

  15. Ewwww. You poor thing. Although, if it makes you feel any better, you just did an excellent job of storytelling through memos! Maybe too good, since I can visualize your torment a little TOO clearly. *shivers at thought of squirting pus*

    Hoping today is a better day,
    The blogger who adores you

  16. Those cats owe you. Big time! ;)

  17. You so have your priorities right!! Yes you do!!!! No crazy cat lady lives here, no siree!! Just a nice gorgeous princess with her horde of kitties in need of TLC!! :-) Take care

  18. Your husband's name is Patrick? Why did you shave his butt?

  19. Pus.

    There's one more for you. No charge.

    You're welcome.

    (P.S. Word ver is "squensa?" Is that, like, the national organization for people who're far better squee-ers than average?)

  20. Ha! Awe no!! I hope today has gone much better!!!

  21. You are too hilarious!!! Big hugs...sounds like you had quite a day!

  22. I know I shouldn't be, but I'm totally laughing my head off. This is too funny.

    Hope today is better!

  23. Oh man, that is a rough day! Sorry to hear you're having to referee the cat fights. Especially when they involve a ninja kitty who roams the neighborhood. Hang in there.
    Lisa ~ YA Literature Lover

  24. Hope today is better and your weekend is even more awesome!

  25. Three words. Two are "I'm sorry".

    One is "Ew."

    Hope your week gets better!

  26. Ugh, what an awful day! I'm so sorry. *hugs*

  27. I'm sorry to hear you had a bad day!

    Here's to a much better weekend!

  28. Hope you and Patrick have a better day today and a pus-free weekend!

  29. I hope today was better for you. :(

  30. sounds yucky! you're a trooper for going through it all!

  31. Oh Shannon, I laughed in the way only another crazy cat owning writer who has been through this can. I am so, so sorry you had this sucky day yesterday. But the vet is right - it does squirt. Make your husband do it! That's what I had to do. I couldn't stomach it. Not after it got me in the...well, you don't need the gory details.

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  33. I definitely suck because I definitely giggled reading this, but I think it's because you're definitely funny. Hope your day was better today!

    P.S. I forgot to sign out of my sister's account.

  34. I, for one, am very glad that the zombie duck apocalyopse didn't happen. That sounds freaky. May not sleep tonight. Thanks.
    Funny Stuff I Write And Draw

  35. This was wonderful. Thank you for sharing your distress. I know it's awful (we've had to put salve on one of our cat's eyes...ewwwww, so awful), but you're a fantastic person for taking on strays.

    We have rescued cats too, and they're the only babies I ever want.



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