I'm sure you'll try to convince me that since the zombie-duck apocalypse didn't happen and Were-platypus (or is it platypi?) have yet to take over the world, you really weren't all that bad. But considering the fact that you included the words "cat fight," "Veterinarian," and "large, pus-filled abscess," I think I have sufficient evidence to say: YOU SUCK.
A very dissatisfied Shannon
Dear Mangy Gray Cat,
I consider myself a friend to all things feline. In fact, the ridiculous amount of time I spend cleaning cat hair off everything I own gives me adequate proof of my generous, kitty-loving ways. But mark my words: if you set so much as a toe--nay, a WHISKER--within a 50-foot radius of my home, I'm getting the hose. And I have one of those nozzles that makes the water shoot out like a plasma blaster.
The crazy blonde lady you should be very, very afraid of
Honestly, I know how lucky I am to have you. You give me wonderful discounts because my cats were strays, and you made room in your very busy schedule to squeeze in an emergency patient. That being said, I really, REALLY don't think you have any idea how cruel it is to tell a girl who gets light headed just THINKING about gore that she must: apply warm compresses twice a day and extract all the pus. Especially when you follow it with: be careful, it might squirt.
The customer who nearly passed out in your examination room
I'm very, very sorry I couldn't run downstairs fast enough to protect you. I'm also very, very sorry for your shaved bottom. I'd like to tell you that it doesn't look as humiliating as you might be thinking. But it really, really does. Maybe keep a low profile in the neighborhood until it grows back. Or walk backwards.
The lady who feeds you, so you're not allowed to hate her
If you can't tell by my previous memos, yesterday was kind of an ordeal and I didn't have the time or energy to tackle your questions. (or to respond to yesterday's blog comments) I promise I will make up for lost time next week. Once I'm no longer up to my elbows in cat pus.
The blogger who just used the word "pus" way too many times, and hopes her followers will forgive her for it