Wednesday, January 13, 2010

I am NOT a Poet!

I know it's Wednesday, which is supposed to be USC Lesson day, but things are a little different today because it's LISA SCHROEDER WEEK (and I can't bring myself to dole out writing advice when such an amazing writer is hovering around.) Next week we'll be back to normal, and to make it up to you, I offer instead a heaping helping of your favorite: Shannon Shame. (dun dun dunnnnnnnnn)

But before we begin, I must take a second to say that if you are late to the party, there is still time to enter to win all three wonderful Lisa Schroeder books so you might want to get on that. :) Also, if you missed her fabulous interview yesterday (and when I say fabulous, I mean her ANSWERS were fabulous--not my questions) I highly recommend you check it out, especially since there's a way to get an extra entry in the contest.

Okay--enough of that update-y stuff.

Today, we're talking about poetry!


Well, because Lisa Schroeder is an AMAZING verse novelist, so it seemed appropriate.

Only problem?

I SUCK at poetry.

We're talking really, REALLY bad.
(but we'll get to that in a minute)

First I wanted to remind everyone who was kind enough to offer their poetic talent last week that it is time to make good on that promise! Today I'm posting my horrible atrocities. And tomorrow will be "how poetry SHOULD be done." (Pssst! That's where you guys come in.) Some of you have emailed me poetry to post (and if you still want to do that--it's not too late! Send it today and I will add it to the post). Others of you will be posting poems on your own blogs and I will be linking everyone to them (at least, I think you are. I hope you are. What if no one does? Ah!!!!!)

If you are posting a poem tomorrow, make sure you stop by tomorrow's post and add yourself to the Mr. Linky Widget I will be providing so that other people can find you.

And since I'm REALLY worried that this is going to be a party no one attends, I'm prepared to bribe you with two (2) extra entries in the contest for everyone who participates (whether it be by emailing me a poem or linking through Mr. Linky.) And even if you're not entering the contest, please, help a girl out. I need poetry and I'm not above begging!

Okay, I think that covers what will be happening tomorrow pretty well, but if you have any questions feel free to ask in the comments.

And terrible poems...


Both of these are from 8th grade, so I was either 12 or 13 when I wrote them.
And they're BAD.
(And I have a horrible feeling they're going to somehow show up in future blog war dares.)

But it's either post these or try to write something new, so here you go.
My wonderful attempts at poetry:

I used to be a tiny bug flying through the air
But now I am a buzzing thing, stuck in someone's hair

I used to be a tiny bug, as black as a pit of tar
But now I am a sticky splat on the windshield of a car

I used to be a tiny bug with wings of sparkling blue
But now I am a gooey glob on the bottom of a shoe

I used to be a tiny bug, perched on a glass of water
But now I am an oozing mess, stuck on a flyswatter

Okay, so apparently I was kind of a sadistic little kid. I mean, first I kill off Tarzano in Earth Had a Snack without a second thought, and now I write a whole poem about death and dismemberment of insects--written in the first person no less! Seriously, I'm kind of scared of myself now.

But sadly, that's not the worst one.

For some reason--which I cannot remember--I decided to retell The Little Mermaid as a poem (the Disney-ized version) and twist the ending. (What kid does that? Why was I so weird?!?!?!?) You'll see what I mean as you read (and warning, this one's a long one.) You'll also see some 28-year-old-Shannon commentary in blue.

(*sighs* Why am I doing this? WHY?)

The Little Mermaid
Once upon a time, deep beneath the sea
There was a little mermaid who wanted to be
A human who walked with two legs on the land
Out in the sun, running on sand
But this wasn't to be, for legs she had not
But instead a tail was what she had got
And a father whose rules were so unfair
That she always felt like tearing out her hair
Her only refuge was an undersea cave
Filled with things she collected from sunken ships graves
And she had a seagull friend who lived on the ground
That she asked questions about the objects she found
When her daddy found out he was really mad
So he decided to do something to make her sad
He took his rod and destroyed her cave
He felt that this would make her behave
But daddio (yes, I actually used that word) was very wrong
His lovely daughter was very strong
She lashed her tail and with a sniff
Rushed to the cave of the great sea witch
Now the sea witch, she was really mean
But she knew how to use her bean (I am loathing myself right now)
She made people believe her spells were for good
And got people to buy them anyway she could
Ariel was a princess, her father was the King
Now Ursula thought to herself this must be worth something
If I could get the princess tightly in my hands
Then I could get her father, and that would be truly grand (*sighs*)
So she made Ariel a deal that she could not resist
To have three days to be human so that she'd get her wish
If she could find someone to love her in the allotted time
Then she will be human forever, if not her life is mine (huh?)
Ariel agreed and signed the scroll
But she didn't know there was a toll
The price was told after Ariel made her choice
But then she found out that the price was her voice
But it was too late to go back on the deal
There was no sense in making an appeal
So the spell was cast and her voice was taken
And she swam to the shore not too badly shaken
As soon as her mind cleared she opened her eyes
And looked around and found a surprise
A handsome prince was admiring her
He saw a wonderful smile and beauty that was pure
He asked her her name, and when she hadn't replied
He said, "that's okay, I like the silent kind" (um...that doesn't rhyme!)
So they fell in love. (gee, that was easy!) That's right, no joke
And just like that the spell was broke
And so she spoke with an eager reply
"My name is Ariel, I'd like to say Hi" (my dialogue skills needed some help!)
To this the prince got out of his seat
"A silent girl was what I wanted to meet
I thought you were mute but now you are not
So I do not love you, even though you're hot!" (I REALLY wrote that. *facepalm*)
Ariel was aghast. She didn't know what to do.
So she rushed from the room and cried "boo hoo" (*facepalm* again)
After a while she stopped and looked up and saw a gentle, smiling face
"I'm not a prince but I think you're swell (yes, swell! Gah!) and I'd like to take his place"
"What, are you kidding? Not marry a prince? Is what you're saying true?
Can't you see, it's crystal clear, I'm way too good for you!" (*headdesk*)
So off she went with her nose in the air trying hard to suppress laughter
I wrote this poem to let you know, everything's not Happily Ever After.

I have no words.... 

And I apologize in advance if you have to sit through a movie version of The Little Mermaid-a-la-12-year-old-Shannon (I'm watching you Frankie! I see that evil smile! And I will buy you white shorts and make you wear them!) because I think this might be worse than Earth Had a Snack.

Okay, I think that's enough Shannon Shame for today. If you need me, I'll be in hiding. But please, PLEASE consider helping me out with poems tomorrow (you can see now why I need your help!) And tune in tomorrow for hopefully some worthy poetry. :)


  1. Hey! We all have to start somewhere! It could have been worse I'm sure and I'm not just saying that to get you out of hiding. ;)

    This poetry blog day sounds fun! I'll see what I can come up with for my blog. :)

  2. LOL Shannon I love these :-) Instead of writing something for tomorrow I'm DEFINITELY taking something from my middle school journals :-)

  3. btw... replied and kind count as a half-rhyme!

  4. The bug poem was great, but your had me at mermaid ;)

  5. OMG that was worse than Earth Had a Snack. I thought you were mute? Ahahahahahahahahahahahahahah! Oh what to decide for your next many tempting things are coming out of the woodwork this week. STOP threatening me with white shorts!!!!!!!

  6. Also, are you sure your middle name's not Mindy? ;)

  7. Okay Daddio - love'em! lol Oh I know your pain though - I wrote poetry from the first time I could hold a pen...yeah some from the early years make Daddio seem utterly obsolete with their absurdity! But poetry taught me a great deal about expressing emotion and/or thought in a concise manner. I ended up publishing a poem way before I published my first short story - I was more confident in sharing stanza over paragraph...
    Thank you for sharing Shannon- really I enjoyed them. You were quite imaginative! My favorite line:

    I used to be a tiny bug, perched on a glass of water
    But now I am an oozing mess, stuck on a flyswatter

    Oh yeah - I have a California Contest over on my blog!

  8. You should totally try to publish those!

  9. Count me in! I will post a poem tomorrow on my blog, just because you want me to. "Shannon support" from one Shannon to another! LOL! :-)

  10. Oh Shannon. I totally forgot about the poems. No reminders!! I hope you have enough in your arsenal, though. Besides, you wouldn't want mine. They are pretty dang atrocious. Right up there...err...worse than...err...they were bad.

    And can I just say, how cute is daddio? Awwww...very nice, Shannon. So sweet and adorable. I could just squeeze you all up.

  11. Ha, ha! Not too bad, considering you were 12. Although, if I was to write a poem right now, I would most likely be worse. So, good job! : )

  12. Squish wasn't bad...but yeah, The Little Mermaid was pretty awful, even for 12. (Although Sara's right...replied and kind are approximate rhymes!)

  13. Okay. I hereby pledge to post zombie haiku tomorrow in an homage to "Squish" and sign up on Mr. Linky. Oh the horror.

  14. Oh, you are brave to post poetry you wrote as a child. I found some of mine in a folder last October and was tempted to destroy it.

    I liked the bug poem though.

  15. If you want to use one of mine, you're welcome to this one or this one.

  16. Your poems, they were kind cute.
    Still, what were we expecting?
    But Ariel a pretty mute,
    the poor non-prince rejecting?

    What happened in your 8th-grade brain
    to make that tale unhappy?
    And what's the deal with insect pain
    and bug deaths that are crappy?

    See, now I think the cute's a show.
    Your poetry is clearly
    derived from some strange, twisted place.
    You're innocent? Not nearly.

    The Shannon-shame, le sigh, the squee--
    I think it's all a sham.
    You'll turn on us eventually.
    I'm quite convinced, I am!


  17. Eee-so many comments! Okay, here goes!

    Nisa: Thanks. You are WAY too kind. If you post something don't forget to link it tomorrow. Can't wait to read it!

    Sara: AWESOME! I can't wait to read it (though I have a feeling yours will actually be GOOD and not weird and pathetic like mine.

    T. Anne: LOL. Yeah...methinks you are WAY too generous with that compliment.

    Frankie: I knew you'd enjoy this. It's SO horrible I can't even believe I dare to try writing anymore. And remember, if you want to stay out of #whitebunnyshorts you will be KIND with your next dare!

    Southern Princess: YAY COURTNEY'S BACK!!!!! Admit it--even YOU had a hard time finding something to say about those beasts. And ooo--a California contest? I will HAVE to check that out.

    Marybeth: I don't feel like getting that many rejections, thanks. :)

    Shannon: THANK YOU! You rock! Shannon Solidarity Forever!

    Carolina: Don't worry about it. I saw how busy you were from your tweets and such so I decided not to hassle you. I have enough for the post, I'm just hoping a couple people will link so it won't look too sad. :)

    Kimberly: I'm with you--I don't do poetry. That's why I decided it'd be better to post the really bad stuff I could at least say "But I wrote it when I was a kid!" about. :)

    Heather: Yeah. The Little Mermaid is atrocious. I can't BELIEVE I got an A on that thing. *shudders*

    Tricia: Yay! That sounds AWESOME--I can't WAIT to read it! Thank you for posting. Hooray!

    Myrna: Not sure if brave is the right word or we should go with insane. Uhg. But thanks for trying to find something positive.

    Q: Ooo--okay! Following the links now! Thanks!

    Simon: LOL. I LOVE it. I think I want all your comments to question my evilness in rhyme for a while! You OWE me for MG Blogfest! :)

  18. Love the ending for the Mermaid. :)

    Even though I love the music, that story drives me nuts! She changes her species because a guy is cute!!!!

    Sorry, rant over :) Good job on the poems!!

  19. LMAO!!! I think it's cute. Especially the mermaid poem. Since my WIP is about mermaids (nothing like the Disney version) I got a real kick out of your attempt at mer poetry. Go Shannon! :)
    Click for My Blog

  20. No words, just smiles. And by the way Simon, your contribution rocks.

  21. I liked Squish, it made me giggle, and if you were a sadistic little kid then I was way worse, because I killed off both my MC's (a little Romeo/Juliet rip off, in my defense, I was a kid...) and I liked how the Little Mermaid ended with a twist, because there isn't always a happily ever after, you must have been a pesimist as a child too. (I was personally I think it's normal.) Oh and Shannon I have an award for you over at my blog, stop by and pick it up ^__^

  22. Hahaha. I really enjoyed that!!

    If it's any consolation, Britney uses the word "daddio" in one of her songs. I'm 93% sure of this.

    Poetry is not my forte. It's my piano. Hehe...he...*sigh* (I've always wanted to say that.)

    Okay, I am OFF to watch IDOL! Look out for some more deep thoughts! ;-)

  23. Oh, I loved the bug poem! It was so cute--they both were! Maybe I'll also join via Mr. Linky and post some of my awful poetry from any age, because I am definitely not a poet.

    And by the way, I love that you used the word swell and bean! :D

  24. That was highly entertaining! The Little Mermaid was my favorite when I was that age too! Loved the poems, seriously, I couldn't write like that in 8th grade. Of course I was reading Stephen King's The Dark Half *yikes* a little darker than Mermaids, but... anyhoo. I used to write a lot of poetry, it never rhymed. I'll stop by tomorrow! I'm still deciding whether I want to share any of my hideous poetry... we'll see what mood I'm in!

    Nice Simon ;o)

    Thanks for sharing, Nothing to be ashamed of here :o)

  25. "Daddio" was all set to become the highlight of my day... till I read Simon's comment above. LOLarious!

  26. Oh my gosh! The Little Mermaid is my favourite poem ever! Haha, it actually cracked me up :) It's really good! I love all the rhymes. Very creative for a young one. And the ending killed me. I just burst into giggles.
    These aren't bad at all! They're amazing!


Yay-I love comments! Thank you so much! (But please remember to keep your comments spoiler-free. Also, I try to keep this a happy, positive place. Friendly debate is fine, but always be kind to each other). <3