Thursday, December 24, 2009

Earth Had A Snack

Why, WHY haven't I learned?

Yes, I've only been blogging for four months, but that's still long enough to know one of the cardinal rules of blogging: never, NEVER mention anything even remotely embarrassing in a post because someone will call you out on it. Especially if you have evil followers.

And yet, here I am, forced by the more-than-a-little-bit-evil Frankie to post the short story I wrote back when I was 11 called "Earth Had a Snack" (which I foolishly mentioned when I was tagged). I was planning to ignore her dare, but then she brought out the Triple Sniple Dare on Twitter, and, well, that's not exactly something I can turn my back on. So FINE. I am posting the horrible story along with current Shannon commentary and you can all see just how lame I really was as a kid.

But (*evil laugh*) she didn't specify WHEN I had to post it, so I'm posting it when everyone is far too busy celebrating the holidays to read my embarrassingly bad writing. (Well, that's my hope anyway). And if a few of you do find it, just remember that this was all part of those million bad words I had to purge before I could write well.

Okay, so, Earth Had a Snack.

It's dated 10/19/93 so I was 11 years old and in 7th Grade. I have NO idea where this idea came from, but it appears to be a journal between a caveman and his wife (and we also seem to be able to hear when they talk out and apparently I even art designed the book. See:

I wrote it longhand so I could use different handwriting for the husband and wife, and intentionally wrote sloppily and misspelled things for the husband.

I also did some of my own illustrations, which were total crap:
Bet you'd never guess I was an art major once upon a time based on this little beauty. (Anyone else see the shameless Wilma Flinstone resemblance?)

Okay, and here is the text, verbatim--I am not making any alterations (even the spelling and grammar errors, though some of them were intentional) and then you'll see the 28-year-old-Shannon commentary in blue as we go. And...we're off!

Earth Had a Snack

"Oh my, I don't know why I'm even writing this. All it does is bring back terrible memories. However people have the right to know what happened on those dark days. I guess that's why I sit here, carved bone in hand, container of ink on my rock, writing down my tragic life story. (sounds cheerful. Can't wait to read more!) Allow me to introduce myself. My name is Grog. (oh boy, where did I pull that lovely little name from?) It you haven't allready guessed I'll tell you. I'm a caveman. (um...why would we guess that?) Now let the story begin. I hope I don't write sloppy."

(and here's where the handwriting gets all sloppy and backwards, so I'm guessing that first part was his thoughts like, magically appearing on the paper without him even realizing it or something. Apparently I had a very unique approach to story telling.)

Grog'z Story

It all began when I was a little cave boy with my dad. Hiz name waz Gargon. (ooo, my names are getting better and better.) We were hunting brontasaurs (How'm I doin) (um, what the heck is with the parenthesis? Anyone else confused? Come on 11-year old Shannon, stop being fancy and tell the story!) I waz gatherin berries in a basskutt that I made. (wait--I thought you were hunting brontasaurs?) I waz reachen for a new berry high on a tree when the ground started shaken. It knocked me over and my berriez (I love that I only misspelled berries the second time. Awesome!) spilled to. I waz grabbin the ground and screamen bloody murder when suddenly ("Grog come for dinner.") (Huh?) ("Oh, you'll have to excuse me. That's my wife Margo. I'll be right back")

(So...everything they think or say shows up on the page? What kind of magical place is this?)

("Hmmmmm, what's this. Grog's writing a story? No! That's not how it was at all! I'll just fix this.")

(and we switch to loopy handwriting as control-freak, exclamation-point-happy Margo takes over.)

Margo's Story

Well I was just a little cave girl when it happened. Being that I was neat and clean the ground shaking was really a pain. I had to redo everything in my beautiful cave. I remember I was organizing my rock collection. (because, c'mon, what else is a cave girl going to collect?) I had just put the last rock on when ("Margo, what are you doing?")

(Wow, that's twice I've interrupted right when they were actually going to start the plot of the story. 11-year-old Shannon is evil--and apparently not afraid of ticking off her readers!)

("Just reading your story, honey!") ("Well, leave me alone so I can write!") ("Ok, I'll get back to my story later!") (I paint a lovely picture of wedded bliss, don't I? And, back to Grog's messy writing)

Now az I was sayen I waz grabbin the ground screamen bloody murder when it just stopped. (how anticlimactic is THAT? I feel cheated!!!!!) Just like that. It waz the most wierdest thing I ever had happen to me! ("Well, I guess I'll turn in! I'll write some more tomorrow!") (wow, apparently the Grogster doesn't have a whole lot of writing stamina)

("I thought he'ed never leave. Now lets see where was I? Oh yeah")

I had just put the last rock on when suddenly the ground started shaking. It nearly destroyed my beautiful cave. I had to redo my whole cave and can you imagine how long that took? (I can Margo, oh you poor thing! And, um, can you please tell us something interesting now? 28-year-old Shannon is getting SUPER bored!) Finally I got things perfect again. After that it didn't happen again for a while. Boy was I glad to.

("Margo, are you writing my story?") (Um, Grog, didn't you notice the loopy handwriting the last time you picked up your paper?) ("Yes.") ("Well, stop it.") (Ooo, it's getting tense, maybe we'll get some cave people fisticuffs!) ("Oh Grog can't we finish it together?) ("OK, but I get to write.") ("But I write so much nicer!") ("Fine.") (Aw man, fisticuffs are out. *pouts*)

Well, as I was saying we were glad. Well you guessed what happened next in our stories. We got married. (Holy giant leap in time 11-year-old Shannon!) We had a son. We named him Tarzano. (I am blushing so bad right now it's not even funny. Tarzano? *hangs head in shame*) He used to love to hunt. He helped us have a happier life. Me and Grog had a very happy life. (I'm noting the past tense here and thinking things are about to go downhill for our cave couple.) 

Then one day it happened again. (Um...what did? If there were ever a perfect example of why "it" = bad writing, this would take the prize) This time was the worst time it ever happened. The ground cracked. Many people were swallowed up! (oh noes!) Me and Grog were. That's where we wrote this story. Inside the earth. (dun dun dunnnnnnnnnnn)

Actually it's not that hard living underground. We've made quite a good life for ourselves. We've discovered quite a few new types of plantlife. Most of them tasted delicious. I made some delicious stews with them. I know Grog loved them, didn't you Grog? (So, an epic earthquake swallowed my characters and trapped them in the center of the earth and I'm talking about stew? Oh 11-year-old Shannon, you disappoint me!)

Grog has carved us furniture from rocks. There's a whole colony of us here, you know. All of us that were swallowed into the earth. The only bad thing that happened  was that sweet little Tarzano was killed. A rock fell on him. (What the what? How heartless was I at 11-years-old?) We buried him and tried to go on with our lives. We have, other than that, had everything be for the better. Don't you agree Grog? (What a sudden and bizarrely positive mood shift. And there's only one sentence left, so I'm guessing 11-year-old Shannon didn't really delve into the heartbreak of losing a child).

Well, if you are ever in an earthquake and you smell stew, you'll know it's just us.

The End.

Okay, wow. Just, wow. I'm not sure what I find more disturbing, the horrible writing or the fact that I got "50 out of 50 A+ Very Creative. Super Ending!" and TWO happy faces. Methinks my teacher was more than a little generous. 

Well, I hope you enjoyed, (actually I *hope* none of you are reading this) and now (because I cannot allow her to get off scott free for this) I hereby D-Double Dog-Triple Sniple-Quadruple Roople Dare Frankie to post her epic 21 page story from when she was 10 years old along with modern day commentary. (And if she doesn't want to type it all up, I will happily accept a vlog wherein she reads it aloud like story time--preferably doing any voices and acting out key scenes--but it's her call) :)

I know I'm starting a dare war here, believe me, I KNOW, but I cannot let her get away with this. So I apologize in advance to my followers for whatever horrible thing she will make me post/do in return. This is going to get ugly. I can feel it. Watch out blogosphere. It. Is. On. *ducks*


  1. Let me just say that I am SUPER happy I haven't shared anything embarrassing about me yet. And I am not so sure I ever will now!

    Great an A+~

  2. LOL. Frankie cracks me up. So do you. Margo's portrait reminds me of Wilma Flinstone, but she sounds much more super. ;)
    When you get a sec check out my xmas post over at my blog because you are a part of it. Click for my holiday message!
    Have a wonderful holiday!

  3. This made me LMAO and I cannot wait to watch this showdown. *rubs hands together, laughing maniacally* This is going to be epic.

  4. We aren't ALL too busy to read your most excellent blog, Shannon - mwaaa-ha-ha-ha-ha! ;)

    Thanks for sharing that work of, um... brilliance! Yes, that's it, brilliance.

  5. This is so funny!! Keep this!! (The reason you've kept it so far is that you are really, truly an author and you know that if you ever do school visits, this is worth its weight in GOLD, baby!)

    And I thought there was nothing worse than the Double Dog Dare.....

    Happy Christmas!


  6. That waz geenuz. I luved it. It made laff hapen. (Apparently the spirit of Grog overcame just then.)

    Shannon! I love this story, it's so creative. The double POV and interruptions make it so unique. The last line was perfect, despite the insensitivity for Tarzano (RIP).

    Can't wait for Frankie's response. Muhahaha. Merry Christmas!

  7. So funny! You had quite the creative mind for an 11 year old. Gah - I shudder to think if I posted anything from that age. You even had a neat little story going on. Tarzano - I love it!!

    Merry Christmas :o)

  8. My first documented foray into storytelling was from when I was nineish. It's much worse than this one, but it still won a contest.

    Also, this is YOUR blog, so technically you won't write anything you don't want to on it. So that means you secretly wanted to post this story.

  9. Hah! That was priceless; thank you for sharing. I especially love the little tidbit at the end.

  10. OMG I love this!! Your adult Shannon commentary is absolutely hysterical. And, you know, for an 11 year old I'd have to say the story's not too shabby :-)

    Maybe someday I'll post the 2-part thriller I wrote in 6th grade and gave everyone as a Christmas gift, haha. Believe me, Earth Had A Snack tops it by a mile ;-)

  11. Can I just say that I've learned my lesson regarding sharing embarrassing things on my blog? Yeah.

    But it's an awfully cute story, m'dear. Nice metanarrative commentary, too... :)

  12. Oh Good. Lot's of people found and read this. Um...yay. :)

    Marybeth: Oh, we'll find a way to get to you one of these days. Someday you'll slip up and with me and Frankie around you WILL be punished.

    Karen: Aw, thanks. Yes, I'm pretty sure if I'd ever sold Earth Had a Snack Hannah Barbera could sue me for copyright violation. ;) Glad you enjoyed and heading to your blog now...

    Mireyah: Yes, I have a feeling it's going to be VERY interesting...oh boy, WHAT HAVE I DONE?!?!?

    Shannon: Yeah, more people found this than I thought. Grrr. But I like brilliance. I'm going with that!

    Storyqueen: You make a good point. This would help me fill the time at school presentations (whilst totally humiliating myself of course). Thank you so much for stopping by. I love connecting with other writers this way. Oh, and yes, there are WAY worse things than a double dog dare. You have NO idea....

    Angie: LOL. Grog would be so proud. :) And thanks so much, it is definitely a unique approach to story telling. I'm SO afraid of how Frankie will retaliate. It's going to be EPIC humiliation, I'm sure.

    Erica: Aw, thanks. I never have been lacking in creativity. Good storytelling came later. And if you find something you wrote back then I wouldn't mention it on your blog. Frankie's out there and she will DARE YOU!

    Q: I'm not sure sure about "wanted" so much as it is that I cannot ignore a triple snipple dare. I'm weird like that. But I suppose I would if it was something *too* horrible, so in some sense you're right. ;)

    J. Koyanagi: Aw, thanks. Yeah...the last part is going to be veeerrrrry interesting.

    Sara: Aw, thanks. But I dunno. Seems pretty bad. I'm assuming it wasn't based on the grade, but looking back now I can't stop cringing. And did you just give me something I can dare you with? Do you realize how dangerous that is? Post it! Post it! Post it!

    Simon: You may think you have, but we'll find ways to get you. And thanks. It's more weird/confusing than cute, but I'll take cute because it comes from you. ;)

  13. LMAO!!! OMG this was sooooo much funnier than Carol and the Future Fish! If you ever smell stew! OMG! I can't stop laughing! Also my name is in this post quite a're not just daring, me your calling me out and you know what this means? IT'S BLOG WAR!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Don't worry--I'll fulfill your dare and then you better get ready because I fully intend to retaliate!!!

  14. Frankie: WHAT HAVE I DONE????????????????????????????

    *Bites lip*

    Oh boy, I am SO going to pay for this. Let's hope the story I made you post is really embarrassing to make this all worthwhile. :)

  15. So funny! My eleven-year-old has a number of diaries she writes and illustrates stories in. She's going to love reading yours!

  16. Myrna: Aw, thanks. Um...make sure she knows I'm a MUCH better writer now. :)

  17. I think it's brilliant (yanno, for your age)

    And speaking of age--OMG we're the same age! Yay for 28-year-ish-ness!!! :)

  18. Beth: Aw, thanks. And OMG-I did not realize!!! Yay for 28 year olds--we rock! (PS: Aren't you a little scared of how close we're getting to 30?)


Yay-I love comments! Thank you so much! (But please remember to keep your comments spoiler-free. Also, I try to keep this a happy, positive place. Any arguing or intense debate--on any subject will be removed. Let's keep this a safe, fun space.